So I’ve been MIA pretty much all of 2020. Over the course of last year my depression settled in a little deeper than it has been in the past couple years. I didn’t really realize it at first. You never really do.
I lost motivation to do pretty much everything. I sort of just stopped humaning. I stopped drawing. I stopped writing. I stopped working on my shop stuff. I left my blog to sit and when my domain was up to expire I let it go.
I started having to hype myself up just to cook. I started eating quick meals and fast food again. Falling off the gluten free wagon really hard.
When I started eating gluten again it really fucked up my system and started making the sleepiness from the depression even worse. I started struggling to stay awake at all. I started sleeping a ton. I started missing my medicine alarm. Then I started missing my meds all together. I missed a few doses and then the idea of swallowing 9 pills made me want to cry. So I just didn’t for awhile.
I’d take a dose here and there when my allergies got unbearable or I started to have withdrawal symptoms from my Lexapro. My breathing started to flair up and my rose started to run like a kitchen tap. I started getting dizzy and shaky from not taking my antidepressants. I’d take my pills for a day or two then sleep through my alarm thanks to the gluten and not take my meds for a few more days.
It all sort of started after my surgery in February. I had my tonsils out so swallowing my pills was impossible for almost two week. By then the antidepressants worked out of my system and I wanted to cry when faced with a full handful of pills. I didn’t want to swallow so many.
It isn’t really too hard for me to take them. I mean every once in a while one gets stuck on my tongue or I have too much water and it hurts my throat but taking them is relatively easy. Yet the monster inside my head made it seem like the worst thing ever.
I started messing up my birth control schedule and fucked up my period cycle and messed with my serotonin levels even more. The gluten made me tired. Sleeping made me miss pills. Missing pills make me unmotivated to take pills or do anything really. Which led to eating easy food with gluten again. Which messed with my health. It became a vicious cycle.
The gluten caused my RA to flare and the back pain made me even less motivated to do anything. I started having breakdowns half way into my physical therapy treatment with the idea of having to go so often.
I started to accept what was happening. I needed to push to take my pills for a week. I need to stop gluten. And that’s what I’m doing starting the day I’m writing this.
I’ve fallen down a hole I told myself I’d never be in again. I have to pull myself out otherwise I’ll never get out.
The shut down with COVID really didn’t help all this. I had no doctor appointments to keep me on some sort of sleeping schedule. I had no dr appointments to pull me out of the house. I fell into a rut that dug into a hole.
As I'm writing this in March of 2020 I'm still detoxing from the gluten. It's been over a month and I'm still so tired. I can eat without felling ill but I'm still struggling with a little brain fog, exhaustion, feeling normal.
This week I'm getting back on a medication schedule, and starting to workout again. I've go chicken thawing out for dinner and I've taken my meds today. When I get done writing this I'm going to work. I'm getting my shit together.
I have to. I can't let this monster ruin my life and put me my health in danger. Tho on some days that is easier said than done. The brain fog and exhaustion do kill my motivation some times.
But I'm working on fighting it. I'm working on making it better. And honestly it's all you can really do. Work on making it better. We are all human. We can only do some much. But we need to do everything we can.
Well I'm going to go workout before another bout of exhaustion hits.
Thank you so much for reading this post!!
Photo: Taken by me with a T5 Rebel and an 18-55mm lens
*This post is not sponsored*