I'm really steering straight into sharing my depression story. It feels good getting it out. So today I wanted to talk about how depression has affected my self-care habits. I've been battling depression since I was 12 or 13. My most formative years were spent in a cloud of darkness and emptiness. So needless to say that had quite an effect on how my self-care habits formed.
It's embarrassing to say that as a teen it was surprising if I showered once every 2 weeks. I didn't do anything but eat and sleep. They don't call it crippling depression for nothing. I literally only ate junk food and boxed meals and slept an abnormally long time. So getting out of those habits have been hard.
Brushing my hair every day, brushing my teeth morning and night. Two things I've gotten down for the most part. If I don't go anywhere I might forget to brush my hair. Or I, on occasion, only remember to brush my teeth in the AM with my retainer breath and forget at night. I know gross. I drink a good amount of water before bed so I think the lack of breath taste in a combo of the bad depression habit is just bad news.
Things like washing my face everyday and washing dishes and clothes are still things I struggle with. I will go a week or so with keeping the dishes clean then let the sink pile up before groaning my way through washing. I know that this is partly due to the fact that my dad will put his dishes in and leave them. I swear that man can dirty every pot, pan, cup, mug, dish and bowl in the house in 2 days. I let the washing go one day and then there is a mountain in the sink.
I blame the laundry thing on the fact that I A.) have to walk down the stairs to the basement, B.) That I have to do laundry for 2 people and C.) I have like 7-9 of the same t-shirt, that I'll wear more days in a row than I care to admit, enough underwear to fill a Victoria's Secret and a lot of PJ pants too. I just wear and wear until washing has to be done. Like I have to practically have to wash laundry naked kind of thing.
I also blame the laundry thing on the fact that it's such a boring chore that I have to do so much at once because my dad also lets the laundry bin pile up. And doesn't tell me his clothes need washing until he has no t-shirts left for work. (He has to wear safe orange to work and owns like 30-40 tees.) I'm drowning in clothes just a bit.
The face washing bit is purely a lazy habit born out of depression tired mixed with a celiac tired that I need to work on. I need to have an alarm in the bathroom that goes off in the AM and PM that won't shut off until I get up to turn it off.
Honestly, I could use that in more aspects of my life than I'd like to tell you. I need a water bottle that will beep angrily at me if I don't pick it up enough. I need a horn that will go off to remind me to eat while working. Basically, I'm a horrible adult who really needs a life manager/trainer to make me do things. (You know, like my parents should have. To form healthy habits. But that's a whole other can of worms.)
Anyway, I wanted to share this somewhat gross story with you all in case someone else out there is battling the weight of depression. Set little goals for yourself about self-care, shower today, brush your hair, take out the garbage, eat something and drink water. Thank it one step at a time. One little piece at a time.
Oh, and I did get better at the shower thing. I'm not that gross anymore. Every 2-3 days because I don't want to wash my hair every day. In case you were wondering. I still have to talk myself into it first because washing my hair is a fucking workout ok. That's why I just cut most of it off. It takes to long to wash and dry.
Anyway thanks for reading the story of how depression made me a really gross teenager. Good thing I was homeschooled and never really left the house right?
Anyone have any embarrassing depression stories? Please tell me I wasn't alone in my gross sweat ball of sadness.
Photo Credit: Photo taken by me with a Canon EOS Rebel T5 with an 18-55mm lens and edited by me in Photoshop.
**This post was not sponsored**