I don't want kids. A bit of a "controversial" topic is some circles. So many people act as thought the only point in life, the only way to be happy is to have kids. When you say you aren't interest or even if you just say your waiting your met with a bunch of questions. Why? What if your regret it after your too old to have them? What if your future husband wants kids? Will you really deny him that? And one of my favourites, "that is against god!" that one always makes me giggle.
It is kind of funny that people take it so personally that you don't want kids. The questions just annoying after a while. People you don't even know will make it their mission to change your mind. They'll call you selfish, child hater, evil, tell you you are going to hell. The last two are a little extreme but I do live in the bible belt.
You don't owe anyone a reason on why you don't want kids. But today I thought I'd answer some of the questions today. To share my thoughts and maybe we can normalize being childfree.
Where to a fucking begin? Have to actually looked into what pregnancy is really like? Let me give you a quick rundown of the some most common side effects. Pain all over not just the uterus and other baby shoot organs, everywhere. When carrying a baby the baby leaches out so much of the nutrition from our bodies. It makes our joints dryer, our teeth brittler, our heart has to work harder. But then we also go through phases of swelling.
Pregnant people can experience intense diarrhea and vomiting. My sister was throwing up so much with her two pregnancies that they had to give her meds and she still barely kepted enough done to nourish her and the baby. I do not want to spend 9 months hugging a toilet.
There is also hemorrhoids, back aches, bleeding gums, loss of bladder control, breast swelling, painful breasts, really bad heartburn, increased sweat production. Some people have light bleeding throughout the entire pregnancy like a light period.
Then we come to the actually delivery. Where your are in immense pain for hours on end while a hole the usual size of a golfball stretches to the size of a somewhere between a softball and a soccer ball. Then you have to start pushing a watermelon through the small space. It is extremely common durning pushing to shit on the table and for the stretching to case a tear from vagina to butthole. And and if it looks like that is going to happen so doctors will take sharp medical scissors and cut it preemptively because that is easier to stitch.
Pregnancy leaves the body permanently changed. Not to mention now that you have a baby the old you is basically dead for the next 10-15 years. Your life now revolves around this other being.
As if the fear of the actual pregnancy bit isn't enough, which it totally was, I have other reasons as well. I have ADHD and I'm in the process of getting an official diagnosis for my Autism. I likely have Asperger's Syndrome. A high functioning form of autism. Those coupled with my chronic depression and anxiety, not even taking my physical issues into account, I can barely take care of myself. Like I'm actually pretty bad at it.
You could say "well that may get better" and yes I am working on taking care of myself. But I still have bad days. Days where you'd "be able to tell" I have autism. Days where I'm shut down and on auto-pilot. These days are also induced by over load of my sensory processing disorder. So too many loud noises, too much happening at once, can send me into a "shut down day"
I started to realize that these would inhibit my ability to care for my own kids day to day, and yes a partner can help, but I get shut down from just visit my sister for a weekend. Just 2 days with the kiddos, one of which also as Aspergers so he's relatively quiet, has me in shut down the day after I get home. Don't get me wrong I love those kids with my whole heart and I love visiting them and my sister. I just know that I can't handle that level of sensory input everyday.
But even before all of that I realized something after my sister had my nephew. I said it above but when you have a kid the person you were before kind of dies. You don't go out like you used to, your time isn't your's to spend however you please, all your vacations have to be planned around what the kids can do.
I realized I didn't want to give all that up. So I thought I'd just want to wait till I was way older, I was about 16 or 17 when it really hit me what your have to give up. But as I started to learn about why my brain is the way it is and realizing that too much time with kiddos will make my brain short circuit I became to wonder if I every really wanted them.
That's when I started thinking about why I even wanted them it the first place. Was it because society has been telling me it's my purpose since I was a little girl? Was it because I wanted to raise a kid to do better than my parents had done for me? Was I just wanting to be the parent I never had? Yes, yes and yes.
I'd argue It's be quite selfish to bring a kid into the world to try and do better than my parents for some "fix my past" brain thing going on when I know that I could not handle the actually day to day. A part of me will likely always want that. But I've realized I want the big parts, the excepting, the gentle parenting, just being there in ways my parents won't.
But I also realized I can do that for my niece and nephew. I can be there for them if they need someone to come out to or just to talk to. I can't handle the day to day and that's ok. Not everyone with my same mental health issues is going to feel this way. Some will still want to have kiddos and that is great! Everyone is on their own journey!
What if your future husband wants kids?
A.) Bold of you to assume marry a man or get married at all. (Bi Humor)
B.) That wouldn't happen. If you get married to someone without discussing what is arguably one of life's biggest decisions that's on you my friend. I know I don't want kids. I'll make that clear early on in the relationship if I see it going somewhere. Not wait til there is a ring on my finger to ask. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't have a similar life path to mine.
tbh I'm likely to become one of those Cottagecore lesbian aunt who owns a bunch of land with her wife and have a huge garden and some chickens. Ah the dream.
What if your regret it?/You will regret it.
Well if I do that will be my burden to bare. I don't understand why this people act like my not having kids will effect their lives in any way. Like I'm personally taking something from them.
But what I love about this argument is that you should either take the life path you think will impede your mental health or live childless forever. These people act like bio kids are the only way to have kids. And since pregnancy is already never gonna happen I'd adopt anyway. Or maybe get a surrogate. I'll probably have eggs till I'm 50 anyway.
What about carrying on your family name?/What about ending your bloodline?
I mean I kind of love the power in breaking an unbroken line dating back to the first humans. So the bloodline bit is kinda cool. Besides I think doing something on earth like fighting for LGBTQ rights, BLM and stopping climate change are more important that leaving an heir.
As for the name it's not like I'm the last person with my last name. There are over 2500 of us. And I'm a woman. But the views of the people who typically ask these questions wouldn't I and the kids take the man's name anyway?
Don't you want your parents to have grandkids?
They already do and if they had me just to have grandkids that's a problem anyway.
Humanity will die out if you lot stop having kids.
Well Karen, there are 7 billion people in this world. We are a bit over populated as it don't ya think? Not to mention even with birth rates on a slight decline the current average for babies born each day is 385,000. Which holy shit I didn't think it was that high. I think we are just fine Karen. It will be quite a while before low birth rates are an issue.
Not to mention the state of the world right now! We are 2 years into a fucking pandemic that has killed millions and left many people with permeant issues. Climate change is melting everything and serious messing with the weather. The oceans are rising and the ozone is thinning. LGBT rights are moving in reverse in the US. Cops are murdering people and seeing little punishment. World War Three is on the fucking horizon. Why would I choose to bring a child into this hellscape? We don't choose to be born and with the world today I don't think I have a right to make that choice for someone else.
But at the end of the dat none of that matters. If I don't want kids that is my choice. It affects no one else. So why people feel the need to "convince" me is beyond insane. So don't let anyone make you feel bad or selfish for not wanting kids. It's your body, your life, your choice.