Happy pride everyone! This past year has been an interesting one for me. I did a lot of thinking lately. I did a post a couple months ago about how I'd discovered more about my sexuality and what labels I "fit" within. Talked about how sexualities can change over time and what it affect it can have on your mental health.
Well not long after that post went live I started thinking about gender. I followed a couple trans creators and recently started following more. Watching their content and hearing about how drawn to the gender they transitioned into. That it was such a definitive thing.They knew for sure what gender that should be.
I hadn't given to much thought to my gender before. When I was a teen struggling with my sexuality I thought, I'd be so much easier if I was a guy, now and then. Or I was drawn to guys clothes; why are clothes gendered anyway? They are just fabric! Sorry ADHD that sentence got away from me.
Anyway, as a teen I was drawn to "guy things" like, sports, hockey especially. I was pulled more toward guy friends, feeling like I had nothing in common with girls my age. I wasn't into sparkles, and pink, and dresses. I would much perfer to watch a hockey game, screaming at the refs and eating pizza and hot wings. All of this is very stereotypical guys and girls things. But at the time it was something I thought about. I said to myself a few times "Sometimes I think I'm a guy in a girls body.
I had no idea what trans was. I wasn't really into the community yet. I was still struggling to accept that I liked girls. The thought "If I was a guy this wouldn't be a problem, if I was just a guy it would be so much easier."
But as I started to follow creators in the Alphabet Mafia and began to accept myself, thinking I was a lesbian at the time, those thoughts of being a guy faded and I stopped thinking about it. I'd occasionally joke to myself that I "lived like a frat guy" because my depression had my room in quite the state. Or I'd do something and think the "sometimes I think I'm a dude in a girls body" But I chalked it up to the lesbianism.
But these were kind of all passing thoughts. I was never bothered by my gender assigned at birth. I was fine being a girl. I wasn't uncomfortable with my body, being a girl body at least. I had a lot of body image issues but they weren't gender related. But I was never not ok with being a girl. Aside from being a girl who liked girls, that was a struggle for awhile. I never really had issues being seen as a girl, I was just the "tom boy" girl.
But like I said, recently I started following for trans creators and I actually thought about my gender personally for the first time. I have had a problem being a girl, I thought about "what if I was a guy" sometimes but it was just passing thoughts. Or when watching a trans creator sometimes I'd think if I was born in a guy body I think I'd be ok. I don't think I'd really be pulled to be a girl. I think I'd be ok either way. And kind of shrugged off the thought. Like "ah my soul could be either gender" Not really clicking what that meant at the time.
But when I watched a lot of trans back to back one day and started hear these creators say how they where "pulled" or drawn" or "just knew" their gender over and over as they told their stories I started to wonder, does anyone feel that way? Do cis people who maybe haven't really questioned their gender before still feel the pull to there assigned gender? I took to google and reddit looking for what other people felt. Looking for what makes people drawn to one gender. Why they feel so pulled that way. What does being a woman mean. What does being a man mean? How is it that people seem to just know.
I was also watching more non-binary/genderfluid umbrella people as well. When I started to question if everyone who identifies as a single gender, binary or not, was pulled to that gender. If it really was something deep down that makes it feel definitive. I started reading stories similar to the questions I was asking. Realizing that while I don't dislike being a identified as a woman I wasn't exactly drawn to it, connected to it fully.
I tried to look for something defining what "a woman"is, what traits make someone say "I feel I am a woman" or vise versa for men. It became apparent quickly I was on the non-binary scale. Gender kind of boils down to something you just feel. You can class it by stereotypes created by society. You can say it's the traits of the sexes, what happens to a body when one particular hormone is higher that a different particular hormone. But at the end of the day, why someone feels their sure of gender identity varies from person to person. What it means to be a woman/man to one person can be vastly different to another.
I ended up on a non-binary terms page, since non-binary is an umbrella term. What identity best fit they way I was feeling. I would describe most days that "I am neither woman nor man, I simply exists" (Something I started saying after thinking about if David Bowie was NB one day, that phrases is the vibe he gives you know. Though when he died he identified as cis and straight so I mean no disrespect)
I looked thru pretty much every term on the page and felt pulled to Agender, Genderfluid and GirlFlux. I'm not drawn directly to any gender (most of the time) but I feel I'd be comfortable as any gender and at the same time I could be genderless. Just a being that exists here. Which label I use could very day to day so I tend to just used the label Non-Binary/NB/Enby. I really like the last one phasing of it.
I never got gender euphoria. I heard people in the trans community talk about it. I wondered if cis people ever have it, some googling says yes. I never felt it until I landed on Non-Binary that is. Everytime I say it I just a small little buzz in my never endings. Just this little moment of pure happiness that is almost overwhelming that it sends a jolt through my nervous system.I understand being drawn to a gender now (or for me a lack of one). Being definitive in your gender identity.
So this is me, coming out as a non-binary, bisexual witch. My pronouns are she/they groups. I'm still not uncomfortable being a woman. But I'm also not uncomfortable with any pronouns. If some homophobe tried to "own" me by calling me he it's really not going to hurt me. I have definitely had days where I feel more masc. It will however bother me cause you know homophones.
So yeah. Anyway I feel great having sat down and really sharing my thoughts on all this. Writing it all down and getting the thoughts out. I've already come out on Twitter and such. But I just really wanted to sit and write out my full thoughts. What my process was.
Thanks for reading. Happy Pride!